Let me briefly share my particular experience. I'm supposed to be a prospective freshman now, but I'm currently a prospective sophomore because I took two years off from school.
I am a good student and a hard worker, and I have my own dreams and plans for the future.
To those around me, I appeared more mature, or at least a little more stable than my peers.
Talk about specific things below.
I usually like skateboarding, and most of the skateboarding community is guys, because there are relatively few girls in the double cocking genre.
Growing up I didn't have many male friends, and I was always wary of guys, wanting to get close but afraid of screwing things up.
But in the skateboarding scene, you can't avoid communication altogether, you always have to deal with people.
That's how I slowly made some friends of the opposite sex.
One of them was a boy I was quite fond of. Although I didn't know him very well, my relationship gradually became closer. Once I got lost in the park, it was dark and raining, I was soaked to the skin and I was scared.
I searched around and finally contacted him, he came to pick me up, I was all aggravated and wanted to cry but couldn't, he took me away and hung out and talked about ages and recent events. He is a year younger than me and is also starting his sophomore year of high school.
There is a little flutter in my heart every now and then, but I try to remind myself to keep it purely for the purpose.
Last night a group of us skaters were skateboarding in the same place and he asked me if I was listening to a song and then took his AirPods out and shared them with me, and it felt especially warm and intimate at that moment.
Hugs (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)
My dear, I can feel your helplessness and confusion and it looks like your story is not yet finished. Let me try to analyze it based on what is available.
From your description, I don't think you are out of line in terms of emotional control. At this age, it's perfectly normal to have heartfelt feelings or develop a crush on the opposite sex.
Everyone longs for connection with others; as children we may want to be close to our moms or become one with our favorite toys or animals; as we get older, this longing naturally shifts to curiosity and attachment to the opposite sex.
That's not a problem in itself; rather, it's the avoidance of emotion that's worth thinking about.
I'm not sure why you took a break from school in the first place, but it's good to see that you're in a good place now, getting back into your studies, and your hobbies, which can be a good source of support and motivation. Kudos to you and proud of your motivation and aspirations! It feels like you already have clear expectations and plans for the future.
"Growing up I had no male friends around me at all, and I was wary of guys, so to speak, wanting to get close but afraid of screwing up. But you can't be totally immune to anyone in the boardroom. That's how I managed to make a few friends of the opposite sex."
This caution and fear of screwing up shows that you take this kind of interaction very seriously. It's easy to lose sight of our own feelings when we care too much about what others think, and I can sense that you're trying it out slowly with a hint of insecurity, but so far it seems to be working out pretty well, and you've already got a few friends of the opposite sex.
"One of them I have quite a good feeling, not very familiar, but obviously the relationship has become familiar, the last time I got lost in the park, in the rain soaked with fear, the sky is also dark. I looked for a circle finally found him, he came to pick me up, I with a grumbling expression want to cry not out of the way he picked up, led and wandered a little bit, understand each other's age ah in what he is a year younger than me, the same as the beginning of the school year on the second year of high school. Heart is not the will be a little flutter, but try to tell yourself the purpose to be simple."
I can see that inside you want help. I don't know if you grew up used to handling things on your own and rarely asking for help, so this request for help is both reassuring and unsettling for you. Reassured that there is someone to help you in your time of need, and upset that you are struggling with whether or not to ask for help, and worried about how it will make him look at you.
In fact, even among ordinary friends, it is common to help each other. We don't have to over-interpret it. Once we think too much about it, it is easy to generate judgment and right and wrong, which in turn affects normal interactions.
Don't be too hard on your flutters, dear, and don't be afraid of these normal emotions.
The world and I love you.