I have a super close BFF who is well aware of one person in particular that I dislike. That said, she hated the other person as much as I did before, but now the two of them are getting along exceptionally well. It's times like these that make me wonder: is she still my real friend? She knows that I can't get along with that person at all, but every day she is still laughing and joking with the other person in front of me, and the most twisted thing is that she used to hate the other person even more than I do, but now she can have so much fun, so I am really a little bit blocked in my heart.
Hi, sister.
Do you feel betrayed when your best friend becomes friends with your "enemy"? To be honest, it's perfectly normal to feel this way! After all, you already do not like that person, and your good friend is with you before the spit her, but now and her close, which will inevitably make you feel that friends are deliberately close to her, so that you feel left out.
Your central question is: Is this friend still a true friend? What exactly does it mean to be a true friend?
I'm going to rattle off a few ideas for you, so listen and see if you can figure it out.
1. There is no absolute line of demarcation between friend and foe.
It applies to you and your friends, it applies to your friends and that person you don't like (let's call her Little C for now), and it even applies to you and Little C.
Think about it. How did you and this best friend go from strangers to besties? You may not have known each other before, but why did you stick together? Maybe it was something about her that attracted you, or something about you that touched her. The connection is often subtle, and it can be a look, a favor, and the bond is built. And now, it seems like there's a small spark (her getting close to Little C) that may have alienated you.
Your friend hated C with you before, do you remember why? It was probably the same as being friends, just a little thing that turned you against her.
Now that your friend and Little C are getting along, maybe it was a chance encounter that got them talking.
In the same way, you and C may become friends someday because of an opportunity. It's just that you're still holding on to the "dislike" she gave you.
So the fact that she hated Little C before and now gets along with him is not unusual at this point.
2. Friends are not your exclusive possession
You can quietly ask yourself: Is that feeling of "betrayal" hiding a little bit of "friends have to be all about me"? This may have something to do with your inner sense of boundaries. Maybe you see friendships as too much like relationships, or you're a little afraid of being left behind, and that's what makes you so uncomfortable.
But the reality is that everyone's social circle can be super large. You have her on your friends list, and there could be so many others (including diehards and casual acquaintances). And you can't guarantee that every friend is her favorite, so do you have to cut yourself off from whoever she doesn't like? That's not necessary! As long as you don't drag her along when you hang out with those people, it's normal.
On the flip side, you shouldn't be the only friend she has, she can have her own large circle of friends, and you, may be the sweetest one to her, but she can't think about whether or not you like it first every time she makes a new friend, right?
So the key is whether she's still your friend - you can talk to her about what's on your mind, and she can help you when it's difficult. As for what she does outside, as long as she doesn't hurt you, you really don't need to be too bothered. If you still can't accept Little C, you can just tell her not to call you up for their activities, so you won't feel bad.
3. there may be a chance that things could work out between you and little c.
Your friend didn't like C before either, but now that she's able to get close, it's reasonable to assume that she found something good about C - like there's something good about her that gives her emotional support or something - and that's why they're hanging out together. This suggests that Little C might not be as bad as you think, and that at least your trusted friend can accept her.
So are you willing to try to open your mind a bit? If so, you can take your time.
Start by having a relaxed conversation with your friend and ask her curiously, "Didn't you used to be quite annoyed with Little C. Why are you getting along so well now?" Let her tell you why in person. This way you'll get to know Little C better, and you might realize that the previous incompatibility was just a misunderstanding.
After listening to your friend's statement, you can then decide if you want to try to get closer to Little C. If so, ask your friend to organize a meeting, and the three of you can do something together and communicate more. Maybe, Little C will become your new friend! It's better to have a friend than a rival, right?
Of course, if you try it and still don't like it, just tell your friend and she'll know how to balance you and Little C.
4. What does a true friend look like?
Let's finally break up this core issue of yours.
To be honest, there's no standard answer to this question. Friends are frankly a kind of social relationship, and the range of intimacy can be very large. Some people think that adding a WeChat is a friend, while others only recognize those who can make friends. I guess you are the latter.
For friends who can make friends, I think there is always a limit to making friends unless you've been together for years and know each other inside and out. The same goes for even the best of friends. Do you feel that a friend has to accept all your emotions? That's not really realistic. As mentioned earlier, friends don't have exclusive rights, she doesn't own you and you don't own her. That's why it's inevitable that friends will have conflicts with each other. Your current problem is a test. A "true friend" has to be able to stabilize in such conflicts, tolerate each other, and move forward together. In other words, a true friend is not someone you say she is, but someone who has been through something together, who has gotten over it, and who still has a relationship.
I don't have a perfect answer for myself, but I think you can expand your "capacity" for friendships, get in touch with different people, and look for more possible friends. In these friends, there are close, there are general, it's all right, everyone may help you in the future.